A CARTOON: We see a cartoon sequence set in a 1930s Chinese laundry in which CHARLIE, a coolie, is held hostage by several Fu-Manchu style villains. They have made a hole in the point of his hat and are about to drip acid onto his head in a particularly nasty form of water torture. CHARLIE manages to shift so that the acid drops hit the ropes that bind him. He breaks free. He shouts... CHARLIE Don't get me steamed up. CHARLIE proceeds to overcome the murderous gang by steam ironing them to death using a combination of hand held irons and industrial presses. Applause cuts thru the cartoon and leads into... INT. DOROTHY CHANDLER PAVILLION. NIGHT. L.A. 1980. Oscars. M.C. Ladies and gentlemen the award for best animated short subject goes to... CELEBRITY ...Charles Masters M.C. ...Chuck Masters. CHUCK in his early twenties. His acceptance speech rings with his Yorkshire accent. CHUCK This is great, thank you. Please keep the applause coming cos I don't take kindly to criticism. There is an uneasy laugh, rapidly cut short. M.C. Now ladies and gentlemen onto the main awards. He moves past Chuck. ATRIUM. DOROTHY CHANDLER PAVILLION. NIGHT. Post Oscar ceremony. Low level paparrazzi pressure. The odd flashing light. Reporters push past CHUCK. We get the sense that the big fish are elsewhere. REPORTERS ...Miss Fonda... Miss Fonda... Mr De Niro ... Jane ...Bob... A young MAGUIRE nervously approaches Chuck. MAGUIRE The Big Squeeze man. I love that film. If I go to my grave with just one piece of film... I...I'm your greatest fan... MAGUIRE takes his right hand out of his pocket, slowly, like drawing a sixgun from a hip holster... his manner boyish and embarrassed. (cont'd) ... hey I just wanted to press the flesh. INT. CHUCK'S WORK ROOM. DAY. 1990. CHUCK in his thirties. CHUCK doodles. INT. CINEMA. DAY. CHUCK is watching 'Jaws' on TV. INT. CHUCK'S WORK ROOM. DAY. CHUCK doodles a shark. He looks at it. He's not happy. He thinks of something. He rushes at the drawing with an eraser. He obliterates the shark's teeth. INT. LARRY'S OFFICE. DAY 1998. CHUCK at 40. He gets a lawyer. LARRY Charles hello. Welcome. LARRY reaches out his hand, CHUCK avoids it without giving offence. (cont'd) Come in. Drink ? CHUCK It's Chuck. It was Charles, it's become Chuck. LARRY Yeah we get them all in the end. CHUCK Sorry ? LARRY We get all your English accents. Little by little. We loosen you up it's colonial retribution. Why come to me? CHUCK You're very well thought of. LARRY Please...(gestures for Chuck to sit down) CHUCK Okay. (He sits.) I was told "He's not an asshole." LARRY My that is well thought of. No drink? CHUCK No. Thank you. LARRY These days I'm purely media. I'll handle your contracts, points, royalties, residuals, I deal with all the majors, the agents, the talent. I trained in criminal law. Maybe that gives me the edge. I understand their minds. I kick in at 12%. That's negotiable. Upwards. CHUCK 12%? Phh. LARRY Assholes are less, here's the directory. I'm there for you 24 hours a day, 358.25 days a year. CHUCK 358 and a quarter? LARRY A week every August I'm in Montana hooking rainbow trout. If God had a chopper and a cellphone he couldn't get to me. Are we dealing? CHUCK We're dealing. LARRY leans forward to shake on it. CHUCK looks at his hand, pauses then shakes and smiles. INT. CHUCK'S STUDIO. DAY. 1991. CHUCK creates CACTUS GAL. CHUCK is looking out of a window. He sees a couple kiss on the street below. He moves to his drawing board where there are sketches of large red lips. CHUCK starts to draw spikes that emerge from the lips. He doodles a red cactus. Then a green one with a single red flower on it. INT. HUGGLELAND EXECUTIVE OFFICE. DAY. 1991. CHUCK pitches to three HuggleLand Pictures Executives. HUGGLELAND EXEC 1 Yes...Well... CHUCK It's, well...it's like a great big ball of...candyfloss...y'know cotton candy... HUGGLELAND EXEC PROD 2 Mmmh. I see. CHUCK ...cotton wool... HUGGLELAND EXEC PROD 3 Ooh. CHUCK Warm. HUGGLELAND EXEC PROD 1 Yes. CHUCK Cuddly. HUGGLELAND EXEC PROD 2 Uhuh. CHUCK Cuddlesome. HUGGLELAND EXEC PROD 3 Better. CHUCK Pink. HUGGLELAND EXEC PROD 1 Oooh. CHUCK With a heart... HUGGLELAND EXEC PROD 2 Absolutely. The biggest. CHUCK ... and a loin cloth. HUGGLELAND EXEC PROD 3 Sorry? CHUCK And a loin cloth. HUGGLELAND EXEC PROD 1 Loins? CHUCK Like Gandhi. Big pause. HUGGLELAND EXEC PROD 1/2/3 Ahah! CHUCK/HUGGLELAND 1/2/3 A candy Gandhi! HUGGLELAND EXEC PROD 1 How much do you need? INT MAGUIRE's FLAT/ CHUCK's STUDIO FLAT. NIGHT. MAGUIRE 1st Phone Call. MAGUIRE I love you, man. Not just your work, you and your work. We see CHUCK's puzzled reaction. (This is the first time we see the contemporary CHUCK. He is now 50, balding, paunchy. He always wears an open necked plain white shirt, black jeans.) INT. POISONAPPLE PUBLICATIONS OFFICES. DAY. 1992. CHUCK visits MAX HOFFGANGER. HOFFGANGER is 28, thin. He wears a black cowboy hat, bootlace tie. Black pointed decorative snakeskin cowboy boots. HOFFGANGER Chuck Masters. (Tries to shake Chuck's hand. Chuck avoids it.) Just let me look at ya. Let me say PoisonApple Publications are really kinda jazzed to have you on board. CHUCK (Cautious.) ) Mutual. HOFFGANGER (Loose) ) Sit down. CHUCK No. I'll stand. Thank you. HOFFGANGER This is great. (flips some pages) We were surprised. We were ripped. We were honoured. Hell, we are honoured. Chuck Masters. Why? CHUCK I want to get back to having control. HOFFGANGER Hey, absolutely. (Slides his arm around Chuck's shoulder.) Everybody's looking for that. INT. STEPS OF L.A. COUNTY COURT HOUSE. DAY. REPORTER District Attorney Robertson, a new appointee, a new broom ? ROBERTSON Yes. I'm bristling. REPORTER So a new attitude ? ROBERTSON Okay, let's pitch in with a big one. My main problem with the Constitution as it stands is the pursuit of happiness clause. What do I do when some of my people are at their happiest squeezing the trigger of a machine pistol ? I want to change that clause to the inalienable right to the pursuit of peace, not the semi-automatic right to reach for an Uzi. MAGUIRE'S FLAT. NIGHT. MAGUIRE is on the phone to Chuck. MAGUIRE ... but then it winds me up when the near lane's always so free... INT. CHUCK'S STUDIO FLAT. DAY. As CHUCK works the TV is on in the background. FIFI - TV ANCHOR ...Clinton was later quoted as saying "It was all a joke that went horribly wrong." And now this shock special report. With what looks to be America's most bizarre crime story this week here's Sam Schmeikel live in Santa Monica. Sam what's the latest down there? SAM - TV REPORTER Thanks Fifi, there seems to be some confusion here, but I'm told the police have just discovered the remains of ...chiropodist Cecil Nolan after he has been literally ironed to death. In Brentwood for CTN, I'm Sam Schmeikel. INT. MAGUIRE/CHUCK PHONE CALL. NIGHT. CHUCK Man, it, it eases congestion. MAGUIRE Yeah, it's gonna ease congestion sure, but this is a congested town. Paris has the Eiffel tower, London has Buckington House and L.A. has congestion, smog and riots. It's a tourist thing... CHUCK Uhuh. MAGUIRE ... and there's a person's private space. Everyone needs that or they go a little crazy. CHUCK That's very true. INT. CHUCK'S STUDIO FLAT. NIGHT. CHUCK is working. The TV is on. A show about movies. BOB Hi, I'm Bob Blandford. Imagine a pink, fluffy ball of love. A mitten kitten of kindness. Imagine wrapping yourself in a vast 10 tog duck down duvet of snugglesome lovieness and being warm as buttered toast for ever. Imagine chundering your lunch right into your lap. Luuurve it or loooathe it...HuggleLand's softy, soppy, seasonal offering 'Fluff - The Movie' will be with us this Christmas.'Fluff - The Movie' makes 'Beauty and the Beast'look lik 'Snuff - The Movie' Without looking at the screen CHUCK hits the 'zapper' to switch channels. FIFI - TV ANCHOR ...and earlier Democrat dissenter Mosh Weinberg said... MOSH WEINBERG I'm not angry that Obama squandered $200 on a haircut, I'm angry he got a big ol' 'fro. He told us he wasn't chasing on tha ethnic ticket... FIFI - TV ANCHOR Now this. Fourteen days after an exotic ironing attack the killer may have struck again. Sam Schmeikel with this report... Another location. Another thin body on an ironing board is placed in another ambulance. Cut. Close up. A blood soaked iron in a polythene evidence bag is carried by a police officer. SAM - TV REPORTER Thanks Fifi, yeah. A similar method of attack appears to have been used on...Janet Lawrence, a dental hygienist from Westside. The alleged weapon, a 1993 Rowenta Mistmaster was found near the scene of the crime. Detective Poker what's the beef? DETECTIVE POKER We're er, we're not sure what we're dealing with here. We don't know the motive or if there is a motive. SAM - TV REPORTER There you have it. In Westside for CTN, I'm Sam Schmeikel. INT. CHUCK/MAGUIRE PHONE CALL. NIGHT. MAGUIRE You get the fax ? Some new stuff I've been working on. CHUCK Yes. Interesting. What is this, photorealism ? Polaroids of your paintings ? MAGUIRE Yeah, kinda, I'm a artist. TV. FIFI - TV ANCHOR ... a laughing Clinton claimed he never said "heterosexuals had no place in this man's Marine Corps." Oh, jeez, that guy cracks me up. And now this ...the L.A. steam monster may have struck again today. Sam, what's the latest down there... Another location, another slimline body. SAM - TV REPORTER Well Fifi, the bodies just keep on coming...this time Joshua Marshall, a lay preacher from Malibu. Same m.o. Sarge the P.D. got a clue ? Policeman shrugs. (cont'd) Oh well. On Muscle Beach for CTN, I'm the Sam Schmeikel. CHUCK/MAGUIRE PHONE CALL. NIGHT. MAGUIRE D'you get the fax Chuck ? CHUCK Oh hello. Yes, yes. Look this isn't a great time. MAGUIRE Sorry. I just need to know you got the fax okay. CHUCK Yes I did. Thank you. With cameras yes... MAGUIRE Uhuh. CHUCK ...with cameras being so good and so ubiquitous is there actually a demand for this type of art, I mean you can't make money at it can you? MAGUIRE Chuck, I don't want to disillusion you... CHUCK ...and, well, I know it's your style, but it's fairly queasy... MAGUIRE ...they're not paintings, Chuck... CHUCK ...subject matter... MAGUIRE ... they're our dead bodies. ON TV. FIFI - TV ANCHOR ...yes, those were the stated beliefs of Sarah Palin. And now on a more serious note it's over to our Psycho Killer Correspondent Sam Schemikel SAM - TV REPORTER Fif', alright. The sickening revelation of the Quinn triplets from Newport Beach, flattened with their mother's own Phillips 'Steam-O-Matic'. POLICE CHIEF We gotta find and stop this killer before he turns the whole goddamn City into pizza bases. INT. CHUCK & MAGUIRE PHONE CALL. DAY. CHUCK ...and at the moment, at that moment... MAGUIRE I feel funny, my mind goes misty and I see red... CHUCK Like an inky rage... MAGUIRE Yeah... ON TV. FIFI - TV ANCHOR Well guess what ? He's done it again. L.A.'s most celebrated squeezemeister has been busy, busy, busy once more. We're going hot and live to, yes, Sam Schmeikel...CTN would like to warn viewers that the following scenes may be shocking and horrific, so vcrs and Tivos on... SAM - TV REPORTER Yo sister Fif'. The story that has for so long captured the imagination of the City of Angels may have penned its own denouement here today when the alleged serial killer did what all serial killers eventually do, he made one small, but critical error of judgement. His mistake, just ten minutes ago, was to publically iron California State Senator Jack Hussar to death in the middle of a packed Marina Del Ray shopping mall. Cut to shaky poor quality footage of what looks like a man in a coolie hat ironing someone on an ironing board in the middle of a busy shopping centre whilst secret service men and security guards attempt to pull him off. The footage is captioned 'amateurish video'. INT. CHUCK/MAGUIRE PHONE CALL. NIGHT. MAGUIRE Chuck, that you Chuck. Turn your fax on I'm sending you some new stuff I've been working on. Paper starts to come out of the fax. INT. HOFFGANGER'S OFFICE.DAY. HOFFGANGER is on the phone to CHUCK. He holds up some of CHUCK's submitted sheets. HOFFGANGER Chuck, hey, where the hell d'ya get your ideas from? This is sick, sick, sick. I love it. INT. CHUCK'S STUDIO FLAT. DAY. As CHUCK reads a sheet of paper, we hear a voice. It is a deep, husky, surprisingly friendly California drawl. MAGUIRE Welcome to GaGa Land, Chuck. (Beat) I hunt them down one by one, then when I find them I come at them and smack the base of the iron like a knuckleduster into their sorry faces. The cartilage of the nose is forced back into the front lobe of the brain. They haemorrhage and sometimes die. Then I plug the iron in and pour myself a cool drink while it heats up. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. STUDIO FLAT.NIGHT. CHUCK has been working and drinking. He is now asleep, slumped over his drawing board. On CHUCK's TV monitor the face of CHARLIE, the Coolie appears. From under the shadow of the rim of his hat, we see CHARLIE's eyes begin to glow white. CHARLIE I ask myself what is it about you I like ? I answer; nothing. Nothing. No that's not true. I once liked a bow tie you wore. Silk. (beat) Strip away the layers and what are you ? A thin collection of lines. A squiggle without flesh and soul. A feeble, stick man trying to leave his mark. It'll never happen Chuck. Charlie's eyes lose their glow. His image fades. The telephone rings abnormally, even comically, loud. CHUCK rouses slightly. The phone stops ringing. CHUCK tries to sleep again. The phone rings loud. This time CHUCK wakes and rises slightly. He leans over to put on the answerphone. He can't reach. He stretches further, the chair over balances slightly, he is forced to stand and go over to the phone. It stops ringing. He puts the answer machine on. CHUCK looks at the sketches he's been working on. He goes to a large refridgerator and pulls out a bottle of wine. He fills a glass to the rim. He returns to the drawing board. He runs his fingers over his skull. He switches on a light over the drawing board. He looks into the small round shaving mirror attached to the top of the drawing board by a flexible arm. He pulls some faces. CHUCK is intrigued by his face, its lines, its creases, the sags, the dark patches of skin under the eyes. He begins to sketch what he sees, pausing occasionally to mouth words, and to sketch the mouth positions. From the darkness of the back wall we hear a strange sound; a cartoon Southern US female voice; as if Goofy was a girl and came from Alberquerque. CACTUS GAL Another sad little night on your own is it ? There is movement on the back wall. It is a five foot tall, cartoon, prairie style, two limbed green cactus. The cactus comes 'off the wall' - lifts itself out of the frame - and walks over to CHUCK. CHUCK I'm not lonely, just exclusive. CACTUS GAL Been drinking Chuck ? CHUCK ignores her. CACTUS GAL looks at the sketches. (cont'd) What's this ? This isn't 'Fluff?' CHUCK Yeah it is. The world's softest, cutest, piece of cuddly pink fluff gets old and grey and wrinkled... CACTUS GAL What is this ? (No reply.) When did you start drawing again? (No reply.) You still stick your tongue out when you concentrate? CHUCK You want a drink? CACTUS GAL No, I'm ...(she shakes, we hear water move within her) ...full, thank you. (pause) What's a matter? CACTUS GAL glances at the answerphone, sees it on. (cont'd) Was that Larry's call? CHUCK Probably. CACTUS GAL raises a prickle to her mouth and nibbles it. CACTUS GAL You scared? CHUCK Yes I'm shaking. (Beat) Why would I be scared? I'm angry. I'm persecuted. I'm not scared. CACTUS GAL You didn't take the call though? CHUCK I fell asleep alright, I couldn't get the call, what you gonna do, shoot me? CACTUS GAL Flatten you... CHUCK looks at her. (cont'd) Sorry. I just want to know what's happened that's all. Heck don't you? CHUCK looks at her. The phone rings again. (cont'd) Now's your chance. The answerphone kicks in: (Child-cartoon voice, over thwacking and yelling sounds: ANSWERPHONE VOICE Hello, Chuck's been a very naughty boy and he can't take your call, please leave a message and we might let him speak to you when he's learned his lesson. CHUCK When did you do that? CACTUS GAL (Child-cartoon voice) When you were napping, big boy. CHUCK Thank you. That really helps. CACTUS GAL (Child-cartoon voice. ) Shucks, don't mention it. Beep on the answerphone.It's Larry calling. His voice is heard through the answer machine; Larry is in his office. LARRY (o.o.s) Er, yeah, nice Chuck, maybe a little too close to the truth, I don't wanta talk to a machine Chuck... CACTUS GAL makes her way towards the answerphone. CHUCK leaps to try and stop her but as he grabs her he gets pricked and jumps back having jabbed his hand and wrist. CACTUS GAL Chuck! Chuck! Speak to Larry. LARRY (o.o.s) ...so you gotta call me right away, you can't believe what's happening here ... CHUCK has gone behind the drawing board, he is adding marks to the sketches. Pretending to ignore CACTUS GAL. She gets more irate. CACTUS GAL Chuck! Come on. Chuck! CHUCK No. N.O. I don't want to... CACTUS GAL Heck, you can be so childish. LARRY (o.o.s) ...things are bad, call me. CACTUS GAL taps the answerphone with a prickle, the machine changes into 'Home Receive' mode, Larry registers the change. CACTUS GAL hits the 'Conference Mode' button on the phone. (o.o.s. Cont'd) ...Chuck is that you? Chuck you there? CACTUS GAL Speak to him Chuck, you gotta speak to the guy. LARRY (o.o.s) ...Chuck for Chrissake pick up the phone... CACTUS GAL Chuck! LARRY (o.o.s) Chuck! CACTUS GAL Chuck talk to the guy! LARRY (o.o.s) Chuck pick up the phone! CHUCK has turned his back on CACTUS GAL and the phone. CACTUS GAL Chuck do something! LARRY (o.o.s) Chuck you gotta talk to me! CHUCK Stop telling me what to do ! LARRY Chuck you ain't making your life easy. Try and catch it on CTN. A click from Larry's receiver. CACTUS GAL Why didn't you take the call, Chuck? You're going to have to face it. Chuck. Chuck. CACTUS GAL moves over towards him. CHUCK (snaps) What ? CACTUS GAL No, you're right. You are right, as ever. While you bury your head in the sand, Ill wave my magic little spike and bibbidy bobbidy boo; no lawyers, no court case, no murders, no problem. Hey! Life can be so simple when you've got a mental age of four... CHUCK That's my job. CACTUS GAL ...Well thank the Lord that's all over, now we can settle down and watch some TV. CACTUS GAL pokes the remote control. CTN. TV Reporter Sam Schmeikel. He delivers his piece to camera. SAM - TV REPORTER (on screen) The jury in what must be America's most bizarre legal story this week have just returned to this Santa Monica Courtroom to deliver their verdict. The serial killer Henry Maguire stands to serve seven life terms if found guilty of murder by ironing. In the apartment CHUCK goes and sits at the drawing board. He looks in the mirror again and starts to draw. CHUCK glances at the monitor. He gets up and goes to his drinks cabinet. ON TV Cut to news footage of: The blanket covered accused as he is led out of a building and bundled into the back of a police van. CACTUS GAL Yeah, yeah, yeah, but where's the decision? CHUCK pours himself a whisky. CHUCK They're stalling for time. The jury's not back in yet. They've handed across too early. That is so CTN, that's typical, as a channel they're so premature, they ... CACTUS GAL They're back... TV REPORTER And I've just heard that the jury is back in the court... ON TV SAM touches his earpiece. (cont'd) It's 'diminished responsibilty'... CACTUS GAL Uh oh... CHUCK (quiet) Elmer fuck. TV REPORTER ...Henry Maguire has been found guilty of the murder of seven people, including three children, but his plea of diminished responsibility on the grounds of incitement has been accepted... The telephone rings. CACTUS GAL Answer it Chuck. CHUCK moves towards the phone. A photograph of Chuck - in a dinner suit holding aloft his Oscar - appears on the TV screen. (cont'd) Hey, that's you. Bad photo... ON TV TV REPORTER ...and for this man, in particular, this verdict could be catastrophic... CHUCK (dry) Yeah, I'm on TV. I'm on CTN. CHUCK picks up the phone. (cont'd) Chuck... INT. LARRY'S OFFICE. DAY. LARRY Chuck it's Larry... CHUCK's eyes are on the TV. ON TV: In his acceptance speech from the 1966 Oscars Chuck is heard saying: CHUCK (on TV) This is great, thank you. Please keep the applause coming cos I don't take kindly to criticism." There is an uneasy audience laugh. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CHUCK Yeah... INT. LARRY'S OFFICE. DAY. LARRY The verdict's in pal... INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY. CHUCK Yeah... INT. LARRY'S OFFICE. DAY. LARRY It's not good... INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY. ON TV: We see a cut down clip from 'The Big Squeeze': the cartoon sequence set in a 1930s Chinese laundry that we saw earlier. We again hear Charlie say: CHARLIE Don't get me steamed up... ON TV: TV REPORTER Englishman Charles masters won an Oscar in 1966 with his animated short 'The Big Squeeze', but that film became one of the most controversial of all time when Maguire's defence attorneys claimed: ON TV: INT. LAW OFFICE. DAY. A wood decked plush L.A. Law firm office. The defence lawyers are lined up like a barbershop quartet. DEFENCE ATTORNEYS The animated cartoon film 'The Big Squeeze' acted as "the overpowering inspiration and overriding influence in driving our client to kill and kill and kill and kill. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CHUCK Yeah... INT. LARRY'S OFFICE. DAY. LARRY It's bad... INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CACTUS GAL rushes and fills a long glass with water. CHUCK Yeah... INT. LARRY'S OFFICE. DAY. LARRY Chuck? ON TV: SAM - TV REPORTER This verdict, which accepts the defendant's plea, now opens the way for D.A. Marissa Robertson to carry out her much trumpeted threat of bringing charges against... INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CHUCK Yeah... ON TV: SAM - TV REPORTER ...Masters. (He touches earpiece) I've just heard that, even as we speak, DA Robertson is filing charges of... INT. LARRY'S OFFICE. DAY. LARRY Robertson's already filing against you Chuck... It's 'Incitement to murder'... ON TV: The old CHUCK Oscars footage: There is a cut to the zoom as it closes in on CHUCK punching the air with his Oscar. SAM - TV REPORTER ...'Incitement to murder' under penal code 348 of the California State Legislature... INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CHUCK stares at the TV screen. INT. LARRY'S OFFICE. DAY. LARRY ...we're there; year zero scenario pal... ON TV: SAM - TV REPORTER The first time this charge has ever been brought against a creative artist...It's a decision that will send shock waves through the whole of the Hollywood community.... INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CHUCK (laughs) Elmer fuck. If I had hair I'd run my fingers through it. INT. LARRY'S OFFICE. DAY. LARRY The moral majority's after blood and you're the whipping boy Chuck. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CACTUS GAL takes a gulp of water, it slooshes about in her. CHUCK picks up the remote and kills the TV LARRY (o.o.s) I don't know what to say pal. It's ludicrous, it's ridiculous, it's crazy and it's happening... CHUCK That one of your famous $1000 an hour quips, Larry? INT. LARRY'S OFFICE. DAY. LARRY ...only in GaGa Land, pal. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CHUCK What did you say? LARRY (o.o.s) I know you're upset Chuck, but we're gonna kick some ass here pal... CHUCK Right, well you apply shoe leather to bottoms Larry, personally I'm having another drink and going to bed... INT. LARRY'S OFFICE. DAY. LARRY ...we're gonna tear those shit for brains in half, this is gonna get laughed out the box... INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY LARRY (o.o.s. cont'd) ... I'm telling you Robertson's gonna wish Henry Maguire had only ever seen 'Bambi'... and then only the nice bits... CHUCK Goodnight sweet Larry. CHUCK puts the receiver down. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. NIGHT. The lighting makes this scene abstract. It is CHUCK's home, but feels more like a dark cave. The lighting is extreme and flashes: Each light beat is punctuated with a rushing hiss of steam, the sound of film running through a film gate. On the TV monitor the eyes of CHARLIE the coolie begin to glow. Parts of his face are visible, but this is obviously not a TV show, more like the TV is haunted. CHARLIE You wanna get laid more often. How long's it been now ? Eight years. That ain't healthy. I know about you and the Cactus Gal, we all know about you and the Cactus Gal, but I'm talking human beings. You remember that species don't ya Chuck ? You say you're beyond all that. You don't want to talk about sex, you wanna talk about work. Maybe that's your problem ? Procreation Chuck, think procreation. Compared to creation its less hassle and a lot more fun. This speech of CHARLIE's is heard simultaneously with the following action... CHUCK standing and breathing. CHUCK moves towards CACTUS GAL. CHUCK moves closer to CACTUS GAL. CHUCK and CACTUS GAL stare into each other's eyes. CHUCK embraces CACTUS GAL. CACTUS GAL responds, embracing him. CHUCK and CACTUS GAL about to kiss. CHUCK and CACTUS GAL kiss. The kiss is accompanied by caresses. The kiss becomes impassioned. CHUCK is speared and reacts, but is too turned on to care. The kiss becomes sexual, charged. CHUCK and CACTUS GAL move together rhythmically. CHUCK carefully enters the CACTUS GAL. CHUCK moves inside CACTUS GAL. CHUCK and the CACTUS GAL begin to moan. A cartoon hiss of steam. CHUCK'S body slumps. CHUCK pulls away from the CACTUS GAL. We see blood on his shirt from a dozen prickle punctures. CHUCK staggers to the telephone. He begins to dial a number. CHARLIE's eyes lose their glow. CHARLIE fades out. Lighting returns to a more normal state. CHUCK This a message for Max Hoffganger at PoisonApple Publications. Call Chuck. CHUCK collapses and slumps to the floor. He sleeps. INT. MEETING ROOM. PRESS CONFERENCE. DAY D.A. ROBERTSON This is a film town and I've always been known as a filmmaker's lawmaker, but I'm on the bullhorn now issuing this warning to the celluloid community; we've all got a problem here, we've all got a responsibility. I'm saying stop shooting the shooting. INT. CHUCK'S STUDIO FLAT. DAY. We hear the repeated ringing of a doorbell. There is the sound of a hammer applied to a doorbell and the ringing sound suddenly stops. CHUCK enters , puts the hammer away and sits at his drawing board. He pours whisky from a bottle onto his cornflakes. He pours himself a glass of wine. He looks into the mirror. He starts to ink in a frame. CACTUS GAL enters. She is wearing a stripey pyjama top. She sees the phone lead and manages to plug it into the wall. CHUCK Don't do that. The media'll... The phone rings. (cont'd) ...be crawling all over me. The phone rings. (cont'd) I've already had to disconnect the doorbell. CACTUS GAL Chuck. It could be important. CHUCK Yes. (To receiver) What? INT. LARRY'S OFFICE. DAY. LARRY (on phone) Chuck it's Larry. Where you been pal ? I've had those HuggleLand boys up my butt since first light. They've gone apoplectic. They're all screaming, they've not been able to get hold of you. Their immediate aim is to stop you high tailing it to the Andes with their money, but their overriding concern, and they've spelt this out with some degree of clarity, is that the HuggleLand Corporation is in bed with a man about to be subpoena'd in connection with a murder rap. CHUCK Hey Larry, get me lawyer, you know a good lawyer? LARRY You can dick my ear, pal, but don't fool with these guys Chuck, these HuggleLand bastards are worse than the Mafia, believe me, I've seen them hurt people. CHUCK I'm having my Cheerio's Larry, this is not a good time to call, can you ring me back, say in a week or so ? LARRY Listen to me Chuckles, you are not the one taking the heat trying to put your career back on line ... CHUCK You listen to me. Fuck HuggleLand Pictures and fuck the HuggleLand Corporation and roger their Japanese, media conglomerate parent company. CHUCK is screaming. Bits of cereal spraying from his mouth. (cont'd) I've got problems here. You sort it out that's what I'm paying you for. CHUCK yanks the telephone lead out of the socket. CACTUS GAL (ultra calm) Hey, were you arguing again? You were weren't you? I notice little things like that. CHUCK Not arguing, discussing. CACTUS GAL Another famous Chuck Masters 180 decibel discussion. CHUCK It's a talent. CACTUS GAL So is that the end of 'Fluff' the candy Gandhi ? CHUCK Well I think we all knew it would be. CACTUS GAL Leaving the world to look elsewhere for a saviour. CACTUS GAL sniffs the cereal bowl. CHUCK Yup. CACTUS GAL What about his career? CHUCK What career? He doesn't have a career unless I give him a career. (Beat) What do you care? CACTUS GAL Of course I care. CHUCK Ridiculous idea anyway. What was I trying to achieve? Pink fluff... (shakes head) CACTUS GAL Yeah, but HuggleLand... CHUCK Sure. (Cartoon child voice) Ever since I were a likkle boy... CACTUS GAL And what about your team, your crew? What happens to them? That's nearly two hundred people. CHUCK Dealt with. Done. Paid off. CACTUS GAL How did you pay them off? When? What do you mean? CHUCK Yesterday. CACTUS GIRL Before the verdict? I don't know what's going on anymore. CHUCK Simple. I'm going slimline. Now let me work. CACTUS GAL Work what? What is this stuff? You won't tell me about this? It looks real grim... Who's this old guy? Is he in a hospital? CACTUS GAL spears a page of frames and holds it up. We might half glimpse some of the frames featuring an ashen looking old man in a hospital bed, but before we clearly see anything clearly CHUCK has grabbed it back from her. CHUCK Leave it alone. Leave it and get out. Out! CACTUS GAL Okay. CACTUS GAL moves towards the door. (cont'd) You're losing everybody, Chuck. CACTUS GAL exits. CHUCK returns to his drawing board. INT. CHUCK'S STUDIO FLAT. DAY. CHUCK is on the phone. CHUCK Hoffganger I'm just saying wait. Hold off. Hold the heat. Give me 'til Tuesday. This is better ...it's very different, it's a breakthrough ... HOFFGANGER The thing is Chuck, we're real happy with what you've sent us... CHUCK Let me finish, will you just let me finish... HOFFGANGER ...and the galleys are in. We have a launch date. There's nothing I can do Chuck... CHUCK No, if you publish that version I'm taking out an injunction to stop you... HOFFGANGER ...The Committee are real happy. Chillax! It's a terrific book! CHUCK ...because it's not the author's version... HOFFGANGER But you are the author. You're the auteur!... And it's not just a version, it's a vision! CHUCK I've changed it, the idea's matured. It's evolved. You have to respect the author... HOFFGANGER Read your contract Chuck. CHUCK ...I will read my contract...you little prick, PoisonApple have only brought the release date forward to cash in on my trial... HOFFGANGER We've nudged the date up a little, sure, but that's due to a lot of factors. You honestly think we're trying to exploit your predicament? That hurts me... CHUCK You're rushing it out. You bastards are salivating. HOFFGANGER Come on Chuck! CHUCK Mercenary shits... HOFFGANGER Hey wind your neck in pal. That's out of line! I'm sorry that's how you feel. CHUCK Yes, that's exactly how I feel. HOFFGANGER Right. CHUCK Yes. HOFFGANGER Right... When the tantrums trickle off Chuck you're gonna realize this is now a publishing "event". We all win. Win win. CHUCK Ho ho. You'll get the new version on Tuesday, do me the fucking honour of looking at it. HOFFGANGER Okay. We'll certainly look at it. Thanks for calling. CHUCK No, thank you. CHUCK slams down the receiver. CHUCK flips through the various drawings on his board while having a minor anxiety attack. ON TV. On CHUCK's TV Monitor CHUCK and the CACTUS GAL circle facing each other in the centre of the stage. A swirling wind noise is heard. She holds up a small green plastic doll in the image of herself. It has pins stuck in it. Both speak in a slightly reverb-strange, unreal, strained way. CHUCK What's that ? CACTUS GAL It's a CACTUS GAL pin cushion and needle repository. CHUCK Pin cushion and needle repository ? CACTUS GAL Made in South Korea. CHUCK Seoul? CACTUS GAL Is this licenced by you ? CHUCK I really don't know. They fade out. INT. CHUCK'S HOLLYWOOD HOME. NIGHT. Enter TOOTHLESS; a cartoon shark in an elegant red and black smoking jacket. As his name suggests he is toothless and speaks with a refined but clammy and gummed up voice. TOOTHLESS appears to swim out of the darkness. TOOTHLESS Charles hello. Bad time? CHUCK What the hell do you think? TOOTHLESS Well I heard, naturally, I, I, I... CHUCK ...heard my distressed fish signals? Me. Flailing. Electric impulses... TOOTHLESS One had concerns, yes. CHUCK Where you been? TOOTHLESS Here and there, you know. TOOTHLESS gingerly approaches CHUCK and has a look at what he is drawing. We see the title 'Old Rage' (cont'd) Fluff? CHUCK No, it's not 'Fluff' Toothless, 'Fluff' is the Candy Ghandi, a five foot high piece of pink cottonwool that saves the world. This is an eighty year old man being incontinent on a Z bed. TOOTHLESS Uh huh. (Beat) Another project? CHUCK (Imitates Toothless) A-a-a pwojek. This is the only pwojek in town. My project. My graphic novel. TOOTHLESS touches a 'Fluff' four foot high cardboard promotional cutout. (Fluff is a cutesy pink candyfloss figure in a Ghandi-style nappy) TOOTHLESS 'Fluff' the movie still gonna happen? CHUCK Who knows ? CHUCK throws a dart into the cardboard figure. TOOTHLESS The breakfast word in the Polo Lounge says it's all over. CHUCK What the hell were you doing in the Polo Lounge ? Don't tell me they had a shortage of busboys with a sleak line in spittle? TOOTHLESS I was dining. Scrambled egg au salmon. Avec parsley. We may notice the slight food stains on TOOTHLESS' jacket. (cont'd) I heard HuggleLand Studio were coming down hard on you, that's all. Naturally I was interested. CHUCK looks straight at TOOTHLESS and shakes his head. CHUCK (Kinder) What do you want Toothless ? TOOTHLESS (Pause. Toothless draws a sloshy breath) I must say that all this is unfortunate and I may add untimely, but, you see, humble creatures like myself have got to protect ourselves, if you see what I mean, I mean I may be copyrighted and registered and trademarked up to the gills... Did you know they make brushless Toothless toothbrushes in Sao Paolo? CHUCK I didn't. TOOTHLESS But the truth is that if you go down I may go down too, and I must say that is a worry to me, you see. I hope I'm not being presumptuous or overstepping the mark in having my say, but I just felt you should know how I feel in the light of recent events and your rather, if I may say so, somewhat rickety state of mind and all. CHUCK Sure. Whatever. Get it off your underbelly."Rickety?" TOOTHLESS Well, and another thing, while we're taking this rare opportunity to be honest, I must say, and forgive me, it was never my intention, but I talked to a few other cartoon character friends of mine... CHUCK Mentioning no names... CHUCK and TOOTHLESS glance at the various creatures and characters on posters from CHUCK's previous productions. TOOTHLESS ...mentioning no names, and they all did say that I should be a little more independent. CHUCK Independent? TOOTHLESS This was once you had started drinking, you understand, I mean, I would never have even thought of such a thing if everything else had been pukka, but I thought for my own peace of mind, what with you hitting the bottle with such alarming, well, familiarity... CHUCK What? TOOTHLESS Well I got myself an agent, quite a high powered one actually. Kathleen Schulderheister, she was with Ovitz, you know... CHUCK CAAAA took you on? TOOTHLESS Yes? CHUCK CAAAA? Creative Accountants, Accountants, Accountants and Artistes? (Whistles) Good agency, I..I..I'm impressed, those people are shar...(searches for word)...barracuda, they're ruthless, they practically run the town... they're highly selective... TOOTHLESS Didn't they pass on you? CHUCK I chose a boutique agency, where I matter more. TOOTHLESS Well anyway, I'm delighted, I mean, well, the truth of the matter is she approached me after 'Sucking Shop' went out on HBO, and, well, I must admit the terms she was talking, I mean, for heavens sake Charles she's going to get me into movies, you know, ninety minutes of gloss not some sad little TV filler, and at my time of life I've got to put myself first, forgive me Charles, but this was, is, an opportunity for me to really make something of myself. Leads Charles she's talking romantic leads. Dentures, the whole caboodle. I'm sorry Charles, I thank you for making me what I am today but this is where we have to part company. I'm on my way. No hard feelings old chum? We start as friends, we part as friends. It's better this way. CHUCK I mean do you have to go now? Right this minute? TOOTHLESS Well I... CHUCK Stay and have a drink, at least, for old times sake... TOOTHLESS Well I don't like to. CHUCK Hey, you always used to...like a fish. TOOTHLESS Like a fish. CHUCK Yeah. Like 'Profit And Floss'. (Beat) Awful title. TOOTHLESS laughs, remembering. TOOTHLESS I was so nervous. CHUCK You're telling me, you put away a litre of scotch before we were on frame twelve. CHUCK starts to pour two drinks. (cont'd) Half a second into your first adventure and you were so drunk you couldn't even find the surgery let alone excavate a root canal. CHUCK hands TOOTHLESS a drink. TOOTHLESS Well I had no faith. CHUCK You had no what? Whatchoo mean? TOOTHLESS Well frankly Charles, go on then, (takes drink) I really didn't feel the world needed a cartoon toothless hammerhead shark orthodontist. How wrong I was. CHUCK I'll drink to that. TOOTHLESS Bon Santé...and that was always a problem in the early days Charles... CHUCK What was? TOOTHLESS Not being able to believe in myself, I mean truly believe in myself, which, of course for comedy, is essential. CHUCK Absolutely, but I never knew. I never suspected. TOOTHLESS Well I never let on. I didn't think you wanted to be bothered by things like that, you were always so busy... CHUCK Yeah but busy with you, with your character, your look, your style, your diction... TOOTHLESS But not my confidence... CHUCK I didn't know... TOOTHLESS My cachet marketability, now that's another thing. CHUCK Yeah we had fun, it worked, you worked. TOOTHLESS It was all your doing, your genius. CHUCK Nonsense. TOOTHLESS You know if truth be told, and why not... CHUCK Why not... TOOTHLESS I was scared witless of you. Still am a bit. CHUCK Oh Toothless, come on. What? Me? After all these years. TOOTHLESS All these years Chuck. CHUCK Well I mean what can I say, I just didn't... TOOTHLESS Didn't what Charles? Listen? Think? Care? CHUCK Now hold on... TOOTHLESS I mean heaven knows I don't want to put the fin in when a man's down, I know this is a bad time, and in a sense I don't know why I'm saying this, maybe for your own good, maybe because, frankly Charles, someone has to, but, but, you're difficult Charles, bloody, bloody difficult. CHUCK Hey ! Watch your mouth, I created you buddy... TOOTHLESS Yes and you didn't give me any fucking teeth. CHUCK That's the whole point. Don't you understand. Teeth ! With teeth you're a nobody, you're just like a million other smooth, good looking predators of the deep. Gummy you're a megastar. TOOTHLESS Well Kathleen's getting me daywear dentures and that's more than you ever did. She's even given me an engraved tumbler to go by the side of our bed. CHUCK (Like he mis-heard) Sorry! TOOTHLESS She cares about me Charles, I matter to her, she thinks I'm wonderful... CHUCK I'm sorry. I thought I just heard you intimate that you're having a physical relationship with this Shoulderholster woman. TOOTHLESS Schulderheister. Yes. We're lovers. CHUCK No shark of mine's gonna sleep with agents. TOOTHLESS You're too late Charles, we've been doing it for months. And anyway her lawyer's filing to break your copyright stranglehold. I want her to exploit me, not you... CHUCK You bastard! Behind my back, at the worst period of my life... TOOTHLESS The truth is Charles you used to be brilliant, a man with a vision, a pure love of his craft, we all adored you, we'd have died for you, but you've gone to shit Charles, pardon me, you hardened and forgot how to love. I never thought I'd be fish enough to say this, but you deserve everything you get, we've all put up with your tantrums and cruelty for years, the utter bollock you've made of your career was absolutely bound to happen. You're a sick, twisted, misanthropic, drunken doodler Charles and I pity you. CHUCK A what!? TOOTHLESS (Trying to recall) A sick ...twisted ... misanthropic... drunken...doodl... CHUCK You sub-aquatic matinee fop ! CHUCK has rushed TOOTHLESS. CHUCK grabs him and starts biting the shark in the gills. TOOTHLESS is too taken aback to really resist. The two crash into the goldfish bowl which shatters spewing water and its fish occupants onto the floor where they land on CHUCK and TOOTHLESS. CHUCK has bitten a chunk out of TOOTHLESS. Blood sprays and spurts everywhere. TOOTHLESS splutters and shudders frenetically in his death throes. CHUCK stands up and spits a part of TOOTHLESS back at him. CHUCK (CONT'D) (Wiping blood and shark gill from his mouth) I make your life and I take your life! CHUCK kicks the fish corpse. (cont'd) I am not and never have been a doodler! As the dawn breaks: Wide shot, tracking back and craning upwards leaving us looking down on CHUCK, TOOTHLESS' body and CHUCK's Hollywood home complete with ironing board and iron. ABSTRACT SPACE. During this sequence we intercut between Chuck and flashbacks. Lights Flash. CHUCK begins to shake. There is a Woody Woodpecker laugh. Then a loud familiar hiss. FLASHBACK CHUCK is working on the early designs of TOOTHLESS. He has drawn a regular shark. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CHUCK shakes more. FLASHBACK: The top of the iron appears over the ironing board its pointed snout rising like a shark. CHUCK watches footage of sharks on TV. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CHUCK shakes more violently: it is as though his body is gripped by something, as though he is held in the jaws of something that is flinging him about. FLASHBACK. CHUCK starts to redesign TOOTHLESS, making him a hammerhead. CHUCK takes a long roll of pristine white printers' paper. He sketches TOOTHLESS three feet tall. CHUCK looks at it, unhappy. There is something wrong. Suddenly he sees what it is. He grabs his eraser and wipes out the shark's teeth. CHUCK runs a rough cut of an animated film, we see the title: 'Profit and Floss'. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CHUCK's swaying stops. FLASHBACK We see a young TOOTHLESS resplendent in red smoking jacket enter a dentist's surgery. He uses his hammerhead shape to get his eye right into his patient's mouth. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CHUCK approaches and kneels by TOOTHLESS. FLASHBACK TOOTHLESS, all bent out of shape by an extreme wide angle lens is peering down at the patient, he opens his gummy mouth to speak. CHUCK begins to shake. We hear the Woody Woodpecker laugh as though recorded underwater all gloopy and distorted in a rush of air bubbles. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CHUCK leans forward and gently covers the fish corpse. INT. D.A. OFFICE. News Interview. D.A. ROBERTSON I'm sending a message as white and as clean and as clear as the HOLLYWOOD sign itself once was. It's says enough is enough. You no longer enrich our lives, you pollute them. You no longer reflect our lives, you pervert them. We the people are saying "Cut". We the people are saying "The End". We the people are saying "It's a wrap." INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. EVENING. CHUCK is on the phone to Larry. CHUCK So why isn't the DA after Van Damme, John Woo, Diesel? The 'Saw' gore porn guys?... jeez...what about the sell-thru sickos and the internet schlock jockeys ceaselessly cranking out weirdo sadistic semi-snuff...or full snuff...snuff snorting scum psychos saturating kids' minds with... with... all humanities achievable atrocities, they, they, they... LARRY Calm down Chuck. They're not going to go after Vin Diesel, he's bigger than you, he's richer than you, people like him... CHUCK Thanks... LARRY ...and as yet no fruitloop's killed in his name... CHUCK Yeah...he's only on our side to save his over steeled arse. LARRY Whadya expect Chuck ? You think people earn $80m a year without a little self-interest ? Don't knock them Chuck, those guys are batting on our team. We've got all the other studios, we've got Spielberg, Katzenberg, Soderberg, a whole hill of 'bergs, someone even explained it to Stallone. They're outraged, this is bigger than the riots, and they're all lining up against the DA's office. CHUCK What have HuggleLand said about me? LARRY They won't budge. I mean if it wasn't for you this would be great for them, they're never going to make a violent film and meanwhile the other studios are being shaken to shit...Universal have just put 'Psycho Son Of Shit Eating Kick Boxer' into turnaround, but Van Damme's on a pay-or-play-picture this-year deal, so they've put him into the 'Driving Miss Daisy' sequel. As Miss Daisy. In a dress. Crazy. I tell you we're going to be nostril deep in peace and love this year. INT. CHUCK'S STUDIO APARTMENT. EVENING. CHUCK is sat with his back resting against his work stool. CACTUS GAL sits between his legs with her back to him. CHUCK has a cushion on his chest for protection against her spikes. He has a whisky in his hand. The bottle is nearby. He is drunk. Country music plays from the stereo. CACTUS GAL The 'Velcro Town'. That was wonderful. CHUCK Hmm. Yup. CACTUS GAL (sings) "Stick aroun'. Stick aroun'. In a town that tumbleweed call home. Would they have stayed? Would they have dared? If the hadn't had their twiglets ensnared?" (speaks) Blow right in off the prairie and get all adhered to the buildings. CHUCK To the saloon where they got juiced up as the Cactus Gal serenaded them before they... CHUCK/CACTUS GAL (sings) "Roll right on... Roll right on." CACTUS GAL You wanted to have horseshit. CHUCK Too right. There were horses; there'd be horseshit. Steaming great piles of it. And that family of flies, it was like "Hey Dad, is this like our job?"? Warners didn't like the horsehit so I took it out. Is that where it started? My first compromise. Did it all slide from that point? CACTUS GAL You wanted horseshit. CHUCK (emphatic) I wanted horseshit. Pause. CHUCK takes a drink. CHUCK (CONT'D) (cont'd) You know you're the part of me I always wanted to fuck, you know that don't you? The part I just wanted to kiss and caress and undress and love to death. And I thank you for that. CACTUS GAL Shyucks. CHUCK You were the best. You understand that? Not because of anything you did, but because I love you. You understand. That's why you were the best ever fuck. I just wanted you to know that. CACTUS GAL gets up and walks to the other side of the room. (cont'd) Where you going ? CACTUS GAL For you I guess that rates as a compliment. CHUCK Treasure it. CACTUS GAL I would if I believed it. (pause) If I didn't know about Sasha. CHUCK Sasha ? CACTUS GAL Yeah Sasha. CHUCK What do you know about Sasha ? CACTUS GAL goes to one of Chuck's drawers. CACTUS GAL I may be green, but I'm not stupid. I found this. CACTUS GAL produces a photograph of CHUCK and an attractive woman on a beach, taken maybe ten years ago. The woman has bleached blonde hair and blood red lipstick. CACTUS GAL (CONT'D) The real Sasha. Then I found this... A massive poster size photo of an oversized pair of bright red lips - the Dali 'Mae West' settee in fact. CACTUS GAL reads the inscription: "To Chuck now and forever. My love, my lips...hush my mouth ...Sasha." Why don't you ever mention her? CHUCK (wistful, nostalgiac) She was the best kisser. CACTUS GAL And isn't it funny Chuck that within a week of her walking out you invented the lips and within a month you'd created me? What does that make me Chuck, some cheap rubber plant that caught you on the rebound? CHUCK I don't know what to say. She was the love of my life. But when she left me...I...I just went to pieces...my life was desolate, great plains of my empty future sprawling out in front of me. Then I created you; the hardy flower in my desert heart. A survivor. CACTUS GAL And you've never seen her again? CHUCK No. Never seen her again. CACTUS GAL But it still hurts you? Still destroys you? CHUCK Well...no...it was a long time ago. CACTUS GAL You're over it? You're sure you're over it? CHUCK Yes, I truly am. CACTUS GAL She's not the reason you cry during lipstick commercials? CHUCK Nope. CACTUS GAL You don't want her anymore? CHUCK Don't want her anymore. CACTUS GAL Don't think about her anymore. CHUCK No way. CACTUS GAL whips out a deflated plastic bath pillow in the shape of lips. CACTUS GAL Then explain this? CHUCK You've punctured it! I can't believe you've punctured it. Shit. CHUCK clutches the bath accessory. INT. CHUCK'S STUDIO FLAT. NIGHT. CHUCK sleeps at his drawing board. On the TV monitor we see the white eyes of CHARLIE the coolie begin to glow. CHARLIE I loath your ego, your ambition, your post rationalisations, your meanness, your hostility, your intolerance, your venality, your mendacity and your physical resemblance to Elmer Fudd. I loath your inhumanity, your arrogance, your lack of warmth, your lack of judgement, your lack of morality, originality and talent. No one got warm standing next to the flame of your talent. If talent is a fire then you ain't got a peppermint to suck on. I hate the myopia in your eyes, the caries in your teeth, the arthritis in your joints and the cancer in your soul. The Chuck Masters legacy - a handful of short "funnies" is that a life? You look shit, you think shit, you write shit, you draw shit, you take shits. You're shit. You gotta believe me when I say it only gives me a slight great pleasure to tell you this. CHARLIE's eyes lose their glow. He fades out. INT. CHUCK'S STUDIO FLAT. MORNING. CHUCK is working. He's had a rough night snatching sleep at his drawing board. CACTUS GAL is sitting by his feet, cleaning her prickles. CACTUS GAL When did you last touch somebody ? CHUCK Sorry? CACTUS GAL When did you last touch someone, a human person ? CHUCK A what? CACTUS GAL When did you last touch someone? A real someone? CHUCK Honeychile my work touches all kinds o' people all the time. CACTUS GAL Not that way, I meant touch. Physical touch, contact, with your fingers? CHUCK What sort of a question is that? CACTUS GAL I asked you when ? CHUCK Why? CACTUS GAL You always answer a question with a question. You always evade. CHUCK And you're always trying to pin me down. CACTUS GAL Nobody's trying to pin you down Chuck, I'm just trying to help ya. CHUCK Yeah. CACTUS GAL So when then Chuck? CHUCK When what? CACTUS GAL When did you last touch someone? CHUCK Touching's dead. It's virtual reality. No one touches no one no more. I can strap on my Christina Aguilera dildonics virtual skank love glove, why the hell would I want to touch someone? That's the shape of things to come... CACTUS GIRL When Chuck? CHUCK A week ago. CACTUS GAL Who? CHUCK I don't know...this is ridiculous, what are you saying? CACTUS GAL Listen, which shop do you go to? For food, your microwaveable snacks, which shop? CHUCK I don't snack. I'm trying to wean myself off solids. CACTUS GAL Which shop Chuck? CHUCK The corner shop near the mall, the ironically named 'DollarSava!'. CACTUS GAL Exactly. Why do you go there? CHUCK It's close and I'm lazy, is this an official witch hunt? CACTUS GAL What don't they do when they serve you Chuck? CHUCK Well, let me see, they don't strip off their clothes and masturbate, they don't whistle 'Stand By Your Man' dressed as cowgals, they don't ask dumbfuck questions at 6am... What is all this? CACTUS GAL 8am. They don't touch your hand when they give you change Chuck, that's what they don't do. They just drop the money in. CHUCK They don't what? CACTUS GAL The 7-11's closer Chuck and cheaper on most items, but you go round the corner to 'DollaSava!' because the woman at 7-11 touches your hand with her hand every time she gives you change Chuck, just a little brush, but a brush, flesh on flesh, it makes your skin crawl Chuck and you avoid it. CHUCK Bollocks. That's bilge, bollocks, bullshit. How can you possibly think that? CACTUS GAL You told me Chuck. What's a matter, your mind going swampy now, you told me that last time you were depressed. CHUCK You're so banal. I can't believe we're having this discussion, it's not worthy of me. CACTUS GAL When did you last talk to your mother? CHUCK Oh for Christ's sake. CACTUS GAL When? Can you even remember? CHUCK Look lover, this is lovely, but I've got so much work to do here, I've got to get these pages out, what day is it today? CACTUS GAL Tuesday. CHUCK Tuesday. Excellent. I can still hit my deadline. Tuesday ? CACTUS GAL (smiles, nods) Yeah. CHUCK Leave, leave, leave, leave, leave... CHUCK goes to the drawing board. He puts the light on and stares at himself. He looks unbelievably rough. CACTUS GAL exits but returns almost immediately. (cont'd) I mean it go. Vamoose. CACTUS GAL Your mail. CHUCK I can't deal with that now. CACTUS GAL There's a document from Larry. CHUCK No. CACTUS GAL It's confirmation that HuggleLand are levering you out of 'Fluff'... CHUCK That's true to form... CACTUS GAL ...and that they've taken over the film... CHUCK Yup... CACTUS GAL ...and will complete it themselves... CHUCK ...yeah, good luck with that!. CACTUS GAL Are you really not bothered ? CHUCK Hello weight. Were you ever on my shoulders? CACTUS GAL Larry insists you call him. CHUCK I thought I asked you to go. CACTUS GAL And your agent's written... CHUCK What is 12% of a murder rap plus residuals? Three years? CACTUS GAL ... and your mother... CHUCK Uh huh... CACTUS GAL ...she says she's worried about you, she's tried to phone but... CHUCK I'll deal with it. CACTUS GAL ...and she wonders what prison do you think you might be in ? CHUCK Thank you. CACTUS GAL stands her ground. (cont'd) Is that it ? Or have you read all of my personal correspondence. CACTUS GAL Yes I have. There's a letter from 'PoisonApple Publications'... CHUCK Yes, give that to me. CACTUS GAL ...why didn't you tell me you were working on a graphic novel? CHUCK It didn't concern you. CACTUS GAL So you getting out of movies now? CHUCK No, this'll be a movie, but first it'll be my novel. CACTUS GAL 'Old Rage'? CHUCK That's the one. CACTUS GAL What's it about? CHUCK Nothing. CACTUS GAL Chuck I want to know... CHUCK My grandfather...I don't expect you to be interested... CACTUS GAL But I am. I know you were close to him. CHUCK People are only interested in their own childhood memories... They only respond to other people's stories when they remind them of their own... Otherwise they do not give a plop. CACTUS GAL I don't have any childhood memories so I might as well hear yours. And I give a plop. CHUCK Well, it's not my grandfather, but an old man, an eighty year old man, like my grandfather was. And it's his last week of life. His world has shrunk, he's arthritic, he lives in one room, his body's failing him, it's decaying, his mind lapses, he's having memory gaps, he's wrinkling up, inside his cells are crenellated and dry. He knows he's going to die. He knows he's never achieved anything, of value, but he has knowledge, he has his thoughts and his memories and he feels a rage, because it's all so futile, everything he has and knows will be erased... CACTUS GAL It sounds real sad... and a little slow... CHUCK Well it's not. Because in that last week he decides he's going on a killing rampage: The world's first octogenarian serial killer. CACTUS GAL Agh Chuck that's disgusting, that's sick. Shit. What the heck made you think of that? CHUCK Listen honey I'm fifty years old, I've got creeping arthritis in my hands, I'm post hair, look at it. I'm gifted with a fantastic appreciation of colour and light and sound and texture and (shouts) humour. I know everything there is to know about cel animation, and what? When I go, it goes, it just stops. What's all that about? The ultimate gag? I'm sorry. I don't get it? Where's the punchline? CACTUS GAL You're not serious ? CHUCK Awwwww. CACTUS GAL But this is crazy...I mean the trial...this is the most self destructive thing you could do. Why are you doing this? CHUCK It's actually the second most self destructive thing I could do. But if you'd let me get on I'm trying my best to undo it. CACTUS GAL Let me see... CHUCK When I first wrote 'Old Rage'... CACTUS GAL (picks up drawing) This? CHUCK Yes, Put it back. When I first started working on 'Old Rage' I was in a hell of a state... CACTUS GAL And you're not now? CHUCK Okay. If you're not going to listen... If you're just going to take the mouse! CACTUS GAL I'm not. Much. CHUCK Okay. It was pure hubris. You know what I wanted ? The cultural kudos of a simultaneous release of 'Fluff'; the cuddly pink kiddy movie and 'Old Rage'; the hard core adult graphic novel. They couldn't categorise me. They wouldn't have a bloody clue what to do with me. CHUCK goes into an act; as though he's on a chat show. He directs CACTUS GAL as though she is a camera. She hesitates, then plays along. (cont'd) Camera two. Two shot. Two shot. "You see Johnny, as a creative artist I'm split. Right down the middle. I can see light and I can see dark. As this "set up" continues the lights dim and we segue seamlessly into a realistic talk show set up with host, cameras etc INT. TELEVISION STUDIO, TALK SHOW SET. NIGHT. CHUCK Camera three. Tight single Chuck. The thing is Jay, I very much wanted to express this conflict in the human condition. Not within one piece of work, but across two. The hope;'Fluff', 'Old Rage'; the despair. 'Fluff' is light, it's fun, it leaves a great taste in your mouth, but Johnny... Camera Two. Two shot... it also marks the end of my childhood, Lord knows its been a long time coming, wait for laugh, there isn't one plough on, 'Old Rage' is the future, God help us. Camera Three. Creeping zoom. Creeping zoom to tight single Chuck. Tight single, Chuck. Tight. Get tighter! You've got a zoom use it! It exposes the bleakness and the horror that waits, at the tail end of life, pause, for us all. Look sincere, studied, portentious. CACTUS GAL Pretentious. You've sort of thought about this haven't you? Lights and set up return to: INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. NIGHT. CHUCK Ahhh... I had it all planned. Every little detail, only I was a little slack in the promo department, silly of me to overlook the publicity potential of a bloodbath homage to past work. CACTUS GAL You're frightening me, you've been freezing me out, you're upsetting me and I don't understand why... CHUCK Because I can... CACTUS GAL walks out. Beat. She looks back in. CACTUS GAL It's Thursday, you're really losing it you know. CHUCK Thursday Shit ! ON TV. A swirling wind is heard. CHUCK and TOOTHLESS circle and face each other. They speak in a strange, strained manner. TOOTHLESS is holding a small plastic stick in his hand. CHUCK What's that ? TOOTHLESS It's a Toothless the toothless hammerhead shark brushless toothbrush. CHUCK Isn't a brushless Toothless toothbrush useless ? TOOTHLESS Made in Sao Paulo. CHUCK Sao Paulo ? TOOTHLESS Do you licence this ? CHUCK I really don't know. INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - CHAT SHOW. DAY. D.A. ROBERTSON Listen people, in my time as a law enforcement officer in Los Angeles county I've put away men and women who've used as lethal weapons scissors, pen knives, flick knives, kitchen knives, skewers, machetes, buzz saws, chain saws, baseball bats, hand guns, machine guns, bazookas and on one notable occasion a Patton tank. Now I've got a guy offing folks with a domestic steam iron. Put yourselves in my Nikes, who needs it? INT. CHUCK'S STUDIO FLAT. DAY. CHUCK is on the phone to LARRY. CHUCK ...Larry, Larry, Larry, Larry... LARRY I'm sorry. This is too much. A geriatric serial killer? Are you ultra nutzoid? You know what this does to your case? What the hell possessed you? CHUCK Larry, please, you're my lawyer. LARRY Hey, only when it suits you. You went elsewhere on this baby. CHUCK You'd have tried to talk me out of it... LARRY Damn tooting I would... CHUCK Well I didn't want to be talked out of it, at the time. At the time I thought it was a brilliant idea... LARRY How d'you feel now ? CHUCK That it was possibly not so brilliant. LARRY And some. Well I wish you'd come to me. Forgive me, I don't know if you can hear that little high note in my voice, that's hysteria. I, I'm shocked... This is horrendous. Sometimes you make me laugh Chuck and then I realize you're deadly serious... CHUCK Can you keep mopping up that end? LARRY I don't know. I've never had anything quite like this before. I, I, can only give it my best shot... Get me a look at your publishing contract, we'll push for an injunction, but the media'll be all over it. Is there anything else I should know...L.A Times running your serialised confession? Are you secretly a transsexual who's been abducted by aliens ? CHUCK No, that's it. (Stiff upper lip) Okay. Go to it, as if my life depended on it. INT. CHUCK'S STUDIO FLAT. NIGHT. CHUCK sleeps. On the TV monitor CHARLIE's eyes begin to glow. CHARLIE No one wants your opinions on the futility of life, no one wants anyone's opinions on the futility of life for that matter. Stick to animation Chuck, that's what you do best, silly, wacky, frivolous little stories. You're trifling Chuck. Who's a petty boy then? Your concerns are tiny, your vision is limited, your awareness is narrow, your emotional range is non existent. Face it you're a highly, evolved, specialized creature. You're a fat, balding cartoonist Chuck. Genus Fatusbalduscartoonus. You do what you do. You will only ever banally go where many men have gone a lot before. The glow in CHARLIE's eyes dims and goes out. INT. CHUCK'S STUDIO FLAT. NIGHT. It's late. CHUCK is working away at his drawing board. He wears spectacles. CACTUS GAL is sitting at his feet reading 'Variety'. There is quite a while before anyone speaks. CHUCK I woke up one morning and I was a corporation. I'm not a corporation, I'm a human being. CHUCK takes a drink from the whisky, as ever, at his side. (cont'd) I stopped being an animator. I lost control. In each frame, 24 times a second I controlled exactly what was happening. The light, the shadow, the colours, the movement, the creatures with 28 foot legs turning into U bends, the pummelling, pounding, flattening, stretching, the costumes, the sheer anthropomorphism of it all! (beat) Nothing happened unless I sanctioned it. Now 24 times a second, I'm trying to control my English rights lawyer, my American media lawyer, my English chartered accountant, my IRS tax adviser, my stock broker, their studio head, their legal department, my publicity manager, my marketing team, a hundred animators doing what I actually do rather well, the back-up staff and a nation of fucking Associate Cockroach Producers; you fumigate, you kill a few, you go out the room, come back and turn the light on and there's twenty thousand of the bastards all scurrying for the shadows and pulling a wage. CHUCK takes another gulp of whisky. (cont'd) When I look through my glasses it's all in focus, but when I look either side of the lenses it's just blurry shit. So which should I believe ? (He takes another swig) You want some ? CACTUS GAL No. CHUCK They all want me to focus on that narrow range where it all appears to make sense, but I know there are areas beyond that where it's not cuddly and pink and safe and I can't keep peddling my talent to these bastards who believe in security and sense and apple pie America. They want sweetness, but they can't tell the difference between morality and molasses, do you understand me? CACTUS GAL just stares at CHUCK. (cont'd) Do you hear what I say ? CACTUS GAL I hear, but do I empathise? CHUCK "Do I empathise?". C'm here... CHUCK goes over to one of his drawers. He pulls out a white A4 envelope and sits back down on his stool. (cont'd) Look at these. CACTUS GAL Aw heck, what are they? CHUCK Go on, look. He hands CACTUS GAl the envelope. Gingerly CACTUS GAL takes it and looks inside. She pulls out some black and white photographs. Rotates them. Can't quite make them out. (cont'd) Ironing victims. INT. MAGUIRE'S ACTIVITIES. NIGHT. Quick cuts 8mm flashes of holes in metal, shocks of steam, hot metal on flesh. INT. CHUCK'S HOLLYWOOD HOME. NIGHT. CACTUS GAL drops the envelope and photographs on the floor. CACTUS GAL Ugh. I feel ill. (reacts) CHUCK He flattened them into two dimensions. CACTUS GAL Where in hell d'ya get these ? CHUCK Don't you judge me. CACTUS GAL No. I'll let the L.A. judge and jury in this murder case do that. How does it feel to be the first artist accused of inciting murder by inspiration? Art creates crime. CHUCK You haven't spoken to him. CACTUS GAL The judge? CHUCK Maguire. CACTUS GAL Maguire!? CHUCK Late one night. 3 am. Phone goes. I'm watching TV. T.J. Hooker rerun; the Hawaiian casino episode. I freaked, I thought it was my mother ringing to tell me another relative had died. And there's this guy, calling me, saying he loved me. INT. MAGUIRE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT. Quick cut 8mm flashes of extreme abstract close ups that illustrate the Chuck-Maguire interchanges and provide glimpses of Maguire's cheap, down-at-heel existence. MAGUIRE I freakin' love you, man... INT. CHUCK'S HOLLYWOOD HOME. NIGHT. CACTUS GAL Love? CHUCK He said "I love you." INT. MAGUIRE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT. MAGUIRE I don't just mean your work, I mean you and you work. I think we've got a lot in common... INT. CHUCK'S HOLLYWOOD HOME. NIGHT. CHUCK ...you and I ... I think we could be terribly good friends..." CACTUS GAL He'd been to an 1930s English finishing school ? CHUCK Well, not that exactly, but, yes, he was very urbane. For a mass killer. I quite liked him. We talked about car sharing... CACTUS GAL Car sharing? CHUCK It came up. INT. MAGUIRE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT. (cont'd) (fast) Would you make sure your passengers were safely belted up. Then pop a modified, 12 volt iron into the dash hole? Get the heat up, then, then deliberately drive over bumps? MAGUIRE No. I just don't like chit chat when I'm driving. INT. CHUCK'S HOLLYWOOD HOME. NIGHT. CHUCK He wasn't in favour. CACTUS GAL Good. CHUCK We talked about movies, he's very informed. Knows some happening people. He certainly knows a lot about me, I was flattered. Then he said... INT. MAGUIRE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT. MAGUIRE I hate what you're doing. You're just taking money for 'Fluff'. I know what that's like. It corrodes you. It oxidises the soul. INT. CHUCK'S HOLLYWOOD HOME. NIGHT. CHUCK I listened, I wasn't scared any more. I agreed. He wasn't any crazier than other people I've met in this town. Simultaneously logical and deranged, lucid, fragmented, but very polite. INT. MAGUIRE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT. MAGUIRE Sometimes I just think "fuck it. fuck it, fuck it." Pardon my Hispanic. INT. CHUCK'S HOLLYWOOD HOME. NIGHT. CHUCK Like everyone else, his mind raped by who knows what cocktail of emotional scars, incessant, poorly scripted advertising and narcotics. CACTUS GAL What were you thinking? CHUCK At the start of the first one I was just thinking he was some fan who'd got hold of my number. CACTUS GAL Plural calls? CHUCK Oh yeah. We got quite pally. He kept talking. Talking about his life, driving a toilet paper van by day, making Super 8 movies at night. INT. MAGUIRE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT. MAGUIRE My mind floats through this city, like in a dream... CHUCK (o.o.s) Well that's GaGaLand for you... MAGUIRE (crying) I... love... you... INT. CHUCK'S HOLLYWOOD HOME. NIGHT. CHUCK Told me he loved me, again. CACTUS GAL That's loonytunes. Certifiably psychotic. Super 8? CHUCK Ah, he's anti-digital. CACTUS GAL How long did this go on Chuck? CHUCK Few months. He started posting me pictures. Of the ironings. Something triggered. I started thinking about 'Old Rage'. A geriatric serial killer with absolutely nothing to lose; an old rage pensioner. I saw its potential. A devastating, ironic satire on people who mix infantilism with weaponry. Your basic, average American. I began pumping Maguire for facts... INT. MAGUIRE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT. CHUCK (o.o.s) What did you feel when you knew that was the final breath? What did you feel? INT. CHUCK'S HOLLYWOOD HOME. NIGHT. CHUCK ... then I took the moral high ground and told him I didn't approve of his actions and he said... INT. MAGUIRE'S APARTMENT. NIGHT. MAGUIRE (overlaps) I don't take kindly to criticism... INT. CHUCK'S HOLLYWOOD HOME. NIGHT. CHUCK (overlaps) "I don't take kindly to criticism." INT. CHUCK'S STUDIO FLAT. NIGHT. 2am. CHUCK is on the phone to LARRY. CHUCK is lying on the floor cuddled up into a ball with a blanket over him. LARRY is in pyjamas, he has been woken up. CHUCK I haven't actually ironed anyone, but I've thought about it in every conceivable detail, looked at it, lit it, shot it from every possible angle and I must admit I've taken a certain pleasure in that, so why shouldn't I hang or fry just like the bastard that goes out and actually does it. LARRY (slow, as kind as possible) You're not going to hang or fry, Chuck, you're being melodramatic, but there could be a public trial and there is a possibility they'll lock you up... INT. CHUCK'S STUDIO FLAT. NIGHT. On CHUCK's TV monitor the face of CHARLIE the coolie appears. CHARLIE What you afraid of ? Being arrested? You've been arrested since the age of twelve. Shit happens, now it's happening to you. You're gonna go on trial, they're gonna ask you questions. Gonna find out all about you. What they gonna find out about you Chuck? Cry, gonna weep, gonna break down, lose your dignity. Strip back the layers Chuck and find what Chuck? Find what? What they gonna find? INT. HALLS OF POWER. DAY. D.A. ROBERTSON has a large red swelling and black bruising on her face. D.A. ROBERTSON Don't even ask. LACKEY (to reporters) The way I heard it her kid saw a news report and slugged her with a toy iron. INT. CHUCK'S STUDIO FLAT. DAY. CHUCK and FLUFF are in full cry. FLUFF is a five foot ball of pink fluff with arms, legs, a face and a white loin cloth. CHUCK is wearing a tatty 'I buttfucked Bambi' T- shirt. FLUFF Why can't you enjoy what life you have left and help others to do the same? CHUCK Yeah, that would sort a lot out. Make it real palatable to the pricks who think in greeting card couplets. FLUFF What about the photos Chuck? What about the victims? You're sickened by that, not even you would wish that. CHUCK She told you that? What a freaking vegetable. FLUFF I hope you're not referring to Spike. CHUCK "Spike" ? FLUFF The Cactus Gal. CHUCK And what if I am pink fry, what are you going to do about it? Smother me with forgiveness ? FLUFF She's very worried about you Chuck, as we all are. CHUCK That's great Fluff, thanks, that makes me feel real warm. FLUFF I'm praying for you. CHUCK Pray for yourself. Pray you never get to understand what I understand. Pray you never get to understand the need to mutilate, to hate life so much you gotta iron it out of someone. FLUFF You haven't done that Chuck. CHUCK goes over to the drawer and takes out a series of letters and some white A4 envelopes. CHUCK No, but I knew he was going to. FLUFF You knew what he was planning? CHUCK Not planning ! Doing. CHUCK takes some photos out of the envelope. (cont'd) Have you ever wondered what a hot steam iron does to flesh ? Look. That you should see. What a hot steam iron does to flesh... FLUFF turns away in disgust. FLUFF These are from his trial ? CHUCK No, from before the trial. From the trail. FLUFF The trail ? CHUCK Yeah. (Reads) I quote: "My dearest Chuck... FLUFF Well at least he's polite. CHUCK ...blah, blah...I hunt them down one by one, then when I find them I come at them and smack the base of the iron like a knuckleduster into their sorry faces. The cartilage of the nose is forced back into the front lobe of the brain. They haemoridge and sometimes die. Then I plug the iron in and pour myself a cool drink while it heats up." FLUFF Let me see that. (Chuck hands him the letter) Ugh! Ugh! He's mis spelt 'haemorrhage'. Typical. (Reads) This is sick. And you never went to the police? CHUCK What and get put up on an incitement to murder rap? FLUFF That's withholding evidence, that's extremely serious Chuck, that makes you an accessory. You must have known he'd get caught eventually? CHUCK A lot of them don't. You want me to run the sad volume that is the L.A.P.D. clear up statistics by you ... FLUFF You have fallen further than I had believed. CHUCK "You have fallen further than I had believed." Is this where the corporate whore has lead me? To be judged by a sanctimonious, pious, pink prick of my own devising? (Beat) I tried to make him stop, I told him to stop, I wrote to him to stop... FLUFF (Incredulous) You had this man's address ? CHUCK And email. Sure, he was a fan, he wanted a photo. FLUFF And you never told the police? CHUCK You don't understand. I understand. I understand him, his mind, his motives, his methods. For fuck's sake, but for the grace of God there go I! FLUFF But these innocent victims. CHUCK Innocent! If those bastards hadn't complained about his films they never would have died. FLUFF What? CHUCK Maguire's an underground filmmaker. Or was. He had some shorts on a graveyard L.A. cable station one night and those bastards rang or wrote in to complain. They're bigoted trash who want a White Christmas and a happy ending, so he flattened 'em. Christ I've wanted to kill my critics, but here was a man who turned his wishes into deeds, his violent impulses into violent acts. What do I do? Hate him for that ? FLUFF And the little ones? CHUCK Fuck the little ones. Kids can be Nazis too. There's no age bar on fascism. FLUFF I think you're ill Chuck. Go to prison. I think you should go to some psychiatric prison, serve your time. Heal. Get better. Be a living example to the image makers who use violence and cruelty as part of their voyeuristic fare. Help to stop polluting young, impressionable minds with these nauseous images. Chuck, this is your chance to do something for the world we all currently live in. CHUCK fixes himself a drink. CHUCK Did I make you ? Did I really make you? (Beat) I'm creating a drink, you want one? FLUFF Chuck, (Fluff bows his head and spreads his arms into the shape of a cross) Stop violence now. CHUCK (noticing something) What's that? FLUFF Stop all violence now. CHUCK (pointing) What is that? FLUFF Renounce the gun, renounce the blade, renounce the nunchukk... What? CHUCK There (points at Fluff's fluff around his chest) Blood ? CHUCK steps closer to examine FLUFF. FLUFF Where? CHUCK Here, and here, and here, and here, Christ Fluff you've been stab... CHUCK jumps backwards. Shocked silent. An appalling thought registers on his face. (cont'd) You've been knobbing my cactus. CHUCK drops his glass and grabs at a pair of scissors near the back of the drawing board. FLUFF I, I...she threw herself at me Chuck, I... CHUCK repeatedly stabs the blade of the scissors into FLUFF's chest. (cont'd) St-t-t-o-p a-l-l-l violen-sss sss n-o-w-w-w... FLUFF falls to the ground. CHUCK runs to the ironing board. Plugs in the iron and spins around to stab FLUFF another half dozen times. CHUCK spins back to the iron, picks it up, feels how hot it is, puts it down, end up, grabs the whisky bottle, pours himself a drink, knocks it back, returns to the iron and proceeds to iron FLUFF. FLUFF's outer layer of fluff starts to melt onto the base of the iron. CHUCK You cheap synthetic bastard... melt on me would you ? You turncoat, quisling HuggleLand lackie... ABSTRACT SPACE. Intercut action with flashbacks... Three years ago. CHUCK working on early sketches for Fluff. Looking at images of Gandhi, cottonwool and Cliff Richard. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CHUCK moves towards FLUFF's body. INT. CINEMA. YEARS AGO. DAY. CHUCK as a boy watching 'Bambi'. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY. CHUCK kneels by FLUFF's body. ABSTRACT SPACE. CHUCK looking at swatches of fluffy material. Chuck placing Fluff's sketched head on images of Ben Kingsley as Gandhi. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CHUCK brushes FLUFF's fur with his hand. INT. HUGGLELAND MEETING ROOM. A YEAR AGO. DAY. CHUCK shaking hands with the HuggleLand executives. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CHUCK lays down behind FLUFF. INT. ANIMATION STUDIO. 10 MONTHS AGO. CHUCK and THE HUGGLELAND EXECUTIVES survey the work areas with hundreds of animators toiling away. CHUCK and the executives have an argument. One of the execs replaces Fluff's eyes, with eyes three times the size, making him cuter. CHUCK tears up pictures of FLUFF. The hundred animators and in-betweeners and colorists stare at the melee. INT. HUGGLELAND MEETING ROOM. 3 MONTHS AGO. CHUCK is shown the poster designs for 'Fluff - The Movie'. CHUCK shows contempt. Then redesigns the poster on the spot with big markers. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CHUCK tries to cover himself with FLUFF's body as though it were a duvet. ABSTRACT SPACE. CHUCK placing a sketched head of an old man from 'Old Rage' over the head of the new cuter Fluff. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY CHUCK shuts his eyes and covers his head with a piece of FLUFF's body. ON TV. CHARLIE You ever actually work in a laundry, Chuck? Day in, day out. Laundering and laundering and laundering. Sweating to take the sweat out of poor folk's collars. You ever heard of the glamour of the film industry, Chuck ? Yeah. I know you have. Getting fancy. Spending Gatsby's of dough. You ever think of spreading a little my way? Once in 30 years maybe? Ain't much to ask Chuck, seeing how I got ya started, seeing how we shared roots and ambitions. Not asking for much, just a scintilla of tinsel for an honest working boy... INT. CHUCK'S STUDIO APARTMENT. EVENING. The phone rings. The answerphone kicks in. Message as before: (Child-cartoon voice, over thwacking and yelling sounds: "Hello, Chuck's been a very naughty boy and he can't take your call, please leave a message and we might let him speak to you when he's learned his lesson." Then we hear the incoming message. HOFFGANGER Chuck, hi, weird. It's Hoffganger, just to say we got the script and sample illustrations for your new version of 'Old Rage'... But... CHUCK "But..." INT. HOFFGANGER'S OFFICE. EVENING. HOFFGANGER ... after review of the material we decided that your original revolting vision of an eighty year old man's last week on earth is really still perfect for our mentally adolescent, gothic, anarchic, death obsessed readership. So we're gonna pass on the new stuff. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. EVENING. Phone mobile rings. CHUCK sees the incoming caller ID: LARRY. CHUCK answers. LARRY Chuck, it went badly. Robertson's got a tight case. They've set a trial date. Two weeks. They got the galleys to your 'Old Rage' comic. So that was less than helpful. CHUCK Yeah, I'm trying to... LARRY In fact, Chuck, it was like a big bucket of moist effluence poured onto my head. And one other small thing, why did you neglect to tell me you'd had contact with Maguire? CHUCK What? LARRY A signed photograph of your cheesy grinning face ... CHUCK Well? LARRY (Laughs, slighlt hysterical) Well they've got the whole of Maguire's apartment in little polythene bags, they've got everything. CHUCK Then they'll know I told him to stop. I told him to stop on the photo. LARRY "To Henry, please stop this serial killing. Best Wishes Chuck." Doesn't seem to be cutting much ice. On the answer phone HOFFGANGER continues. HOFFGANGER There's a letter to you putting all this formally and our lawyer hopes you're enjoying the advance. I hope you'll go with our decision and, well, frankly Chuck, I found the new stuff weak and insipid and unworthy of you. Keep well pal. Ya a homerun hitter. Homerun. Homerun. CHUCK hits a button on the phone accessing line. CHUCK Hoffganger, I'm here. Hold it there a second. Chuck switches his attention to Larry on the mobile. LARRY Robertson's also petitioned for a withholding charge, my bet is she'll get it accepted. That could add another five to seven on the sentence. So you'll have to deal with it. CHUCK I don't want to deal with it. You deal with it. CHUCK switches line. (cont'd) Hoffganger? You appreciate what this will do to me? HOFFGANGER Buddy have you've seen the press on this... CHUCK What press ? HOFFGANGER You been on the moon? You're all over man. The advance sales have shocked us. Really staggering, We've never known anything... CHUCK Yes, I can imagine what the advance shitfest is like. CHUCK's face melts into... ABSTRACT SPACE. CHUCK and FLUFF face and circle each other centre stage. They speak in a strange and strained way. We now recognise the routine and the dialogue is talked at a very rapid rate (almost like a knock knock joke). A swirling wind noise and the sound of frames passing through a film gate is heard. FLUFF has in his hand a pink bath sponge. CHUCK What's this ? FLUFF A cuddly 'Fluff' self-cleaning genuine All American sea sponge loofer. CHUCK A cuddly 'Fluff' self-cleaning, genuine All American sea sponge loofer? FLUFF Made in Wakefield. CHUCK Wakefield ? That's my home town... FLUFF Do you own the licence on this ? CHUCK I really don't give a fuck. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. DAY 46 (CONT'D) HOFFGANGER Chuck, we are talking potentially the world's best selling graphic novel, and it's not even out till Monday. Jeeeeez. That's a mighty coup. CHUCK I'm taking minimal pleasure out of this. HOFFGANGER Chuck, you're hot. CHUCK About to warm up your pocket. HOFFGANGER Yours too Chucky boy. Don't you feel bodypopping about that? CHUCK switches his attention to the mobile. LARRY My personal recommendation is you get your lawyer to deal with it. CHUCK What do you mean? LARRY I quit. I was standing there naked before Judge Constantine and the D.A. and they were laughing at me because I didn't even know my client had been pen pals with a mass murderer. You ever seen a judge laugh, Chuck? No, no outside of Judge Judy I hadn't either. It was humiliating and I don't know that my career's gonna survive it. I no longer feel that I can represent you in this case, but I wish you good judgement and a whole tsunami of luck. Chuck switches his attention back to the land line. HOFFGANGER is laughing. The CACTUS GAL enters. HOFFGANGER Say, how are you on doing a bit of promotional work? Let's splash ya. TV, radio, talkshows, intersticials, infomercials, podcasts, blogs, You Tube, downloads, signings? CHUCK Yes, okay... HOFFGANGER You will!? Great, I'll get little Leroy and the posse onto it... CHUCK ...if they'll allow me a sharp implement where I'm going I'll gladly do a signing. HOFFGANGER Yeah, yeah, let's get ya exposed while you still can... LARRY You will be receiving confirmation of my decision in writing along with an invoice for my services to date. So long Chuck, I wish you'd been straight with me.. CHUCK puts the mobile down. CHUCK lifts and replaces the land line phone. Turns. CACTUS GAL How do you feel ? CHUCK Did the green inflatable doll speak? CACTUS GAL I just wondered how you were? CHUCK I'm sorry...scrambled message, repeat, over, come in, there must be heavy ionisation in the stratosphere, this message is breaking up, I can't clearly read you, over, I coulda fuckin' sworn you said you were concerned about my feelings there for a moment. CACTUS GAL I'm going. CHUCK Oh yes, where? CACTUS GAL I don't know. But I don't want to be with you when you're like this. CHUCK Maybe you can go straddle some furry pink dick. Let the goodness flow from him. While CHUCK looks at CACTUS GAL his hand finds the scissors. (cont'd) Spike. CACTUS GAL looks at CHUCK. She turns her back to him. CACTUS GAL It just happened. Once. I was trying to get away from you... he was there... he was understanding... he was kind... and he got down on his bended knee and he begged me... you made me giving and loose... CHUCK I made you flirty! And that was your screen persona. CACTUS GAL You did too good a job... It was a sympathy shag. Pause. CHUCK makes a decision. He puts the scissors down. CHUCK A pity poke... CACTUS GAL A humane hump. CHUCK A benefit bonk. CACTUS GAL A compassion copulation ... (Turns) He was so grateful. CHUCK You practically speared him to death. CACTUS GAL I know. But it was once and it won't happen again. CHUCK That's right it won't, not since I speared him to death. CACTUS GAL You what? CHUCK Then ironed the little shrimp. CACTUS GAL What are you talking about Chuck? CHUCK I topped the bastard and Toothless too. CACTUS GAL I don't get it. CHUCK I killed Fluff and Toothless, right where you're standing. CACTUS GAL Where are they now? CHUCK Bottom of the elevator shaft. Mouldering. CACTUS GAL Bottom of the elevator shaft? CHUCK Yeah, well I didn't want them piling up in here. There's enough crap as it is. CACTUS GAL But I just spoke to Fluff... CHUCK shakes his head and grunts in a Scooby Doo double take of disbelief. (cont'd) Minutes ago, I just told him that what was never actually on between us was now definitely all off. CHUCK Bollocks. CACTUS GAL I did Chuck. CHUCK Right, come with me. CACTUS GAL Where ? CHUCK To the elevator. CHUCK and CACTUS GAL head towards the door marked exit, but before they reach it TOOTHLESS and FLUFF enter. TOOTHLESS has a neck brace and FLUFF a number of bandages. CHUCK (CONT'D) Fluff ! Toothless ! What the hell are you doing alive? FLUFF (to CACTUS GAL) Just a welfare wank was I !? (to CHUCK) Well of course we're alive. TOOTHLESS First rule of animation Charles; nobody dies. CHUCK Well, this is embarrassing. (to FLUFF) I mean I multiple stabbed your thorax (to TOOTHLESS) and I bit your gills out. TOOTHLESS Oh, well no hard feelings, old man. I've had some shots, I'm healing. FLUFF And, pushed, (glances at CACTUS GAL) there are some things I can forget and forgive. CHUCK But I wanted to kill you guys, wipe you out forever. TOOTHLESS You're being melodramatic old boy. You're not such a bad old stick. You've been under strain. You want to lighten up. Take a hobby, get out more, drink less, you know. Try being a mensch. FLUFF In a sense Chuck, I have to thank you. Being pierced about the person and spending a couple of cramped hours at the bottom of a lift shaft lying on a shark carcass really gave me a chance to think. I'm trying to sort my life out. I'm locked into talks with HuggleLand, I'm not sure 'Fluff - the movie', is the right vehicle for me at this time. I mean I didn't want to save the fucking world anyway, its ludicrous and far fetched. What with wars on terror, the spread of AIDS and global warming it's frankly nit wit for humanity to pin its last hopes on a two dimensional pink piece of packing material. CHUCK Yeah. I agree. I can't swallow it anymore either. TOOTHLESS If you want to do something of meaning with your life Chuck we'll help you. CACTUS GAL Hell yeah. TOOTHLESS Not all this self-loathing stuff. FLUFF It's pathetic, boring and dangerous. CACTUS GAL Why don't you work on something positive Chuck ? Why not keep writing about your grandfather. What his life was really like. CHUCK Because...I don't know, he never really achieved anything... no action... he was kind to me... I guess he loved me... I was his favourite... he had humour... he always wore slim, 50s style bow ties... always put on a cotton suit, every day even at the end when he never went anywhere, never saw anyone, never got out of his room... but it's gone now, he's dead. FLUFF How would you feel if he had turned into a serial killer in the last week of his life? CHUCK Well he wouldn't...he didn't... FLUFF How would you feel, you're an imaginative type of guy. How would you feel? CHUCK It could have changed my view of him... FLUFF Ya think? TOOTHLESS Ah, the precious lost art of understatement. CHUCK But if he had...I could sympathise, I understand the impulse... CACTUS GAL But you haven't killed anyone... FLUFF You've laughed at death, you've conquered death in your cartoons. TOOTHLESS You've made the traumatic dramatic, funny ... FLUFF The first law of animation Chuck. CHUCK Well... TOOTHLESS No one's rotten to the core Chuck, but we've all got to decide which side of the apple we're going to bite. CHUCK Thank you, Toothless, that's helpfully glib. CACTUS GAL Why don't you use that grandfather stuff? Put down those feelings. CHUCK Come on, nobody's going to be interested in some guy who just got old, got rheumatoid arthritis and cancer of the bowels, always gave his grandson money, out of his pension, every day a few coins, hidden by the front door, on the top of the hall-stand, always had some sweets waiting when that boy returned home from school... CHUCK looks at the others, they are listening, absorbed. (cont'd) Someone who took eight minutes to get down twelve stairs, someone who collapsed, was taken into hospital, was pumped full of narcotics, was gaga but still cried in pain till he died, was stripped of his dignity and died without dignity, someone who died with a "Get Well Soon Card" from his grandson next to his bed, died the same night as the worst storms and flooding since records began...there's no money in this.... CACTUS GAL You've got money. CHUCK There's no mileage in this... CACTUS GAL You never go anywhere. CHUCK I'm sorry, it's too ...sentimental, too... TOOTHLESS Too real. CHUCK That's a filthy four letter concept, Toothless. No it's too weak, insipid and unworthy of me. It's not rip, bang, blam, kerpow... it's not action, it's not exciting, it's not funny... Syrupy music begins. FLUFF But it doesn't have to be... CHUCK It's a complete failure... there's no substance... CACTUS GAL Don't listen to other people. They don't know. It can just be what you know, what you've seen, what you feel. TOOTHLESS With your eye and imagination whatever you do, it's gonna be great... CACTUS GAL Trust a little Chuck. CHUCK bows his head, he runs his fingers through the remains of his hair. CHUCK I don't know, I really don't think so, though I liked the bit about me being great. FLUFF He said the work would be great. CHUCK Fluff, don't hair split. TOOTHLESS That was a terrific story. The truth, Chuck, only the truth. CHUCK Yes, you say that, but do you realise ... CACTUS GAL Here we go... CACTUS GAL's heard this before, many times. CHUCK ...there is no word in the English language for "one who tells the truth." You know Eskikmos have about a hundred words for snow because it's an integral and respected part of their culture ... CHUCK looks up. The three characters are making their way towards the backwall. (cont'd) You going ? CACTUS GAL Yeah, we thought maybe leave you have some peace for a while, you've been through a lot... FLUFF Think about what we've said Chuck. TOOTHLESS (huge, gappy smile) You know, you can be a pain in neck sometimes. CACTUS GAL See you, Chuckles. CHUCK kisses her and holds the kiss, he closes his eyes, savouring it. FLUFF coughs. CHUCK Goodbye, lover. The characters go back onto frames on the wall. Music ends. (cont'd) By the way I made up the stuff about the storms and the flooding... and the bowel cancer... and the bow ties. I couldn't help myself. I thought it would help... you know, add atmosphere. CHUCK goes to the ironing board. He plugs in the iron and leaves it standing on its base. The orange power light on it is visible. CHUCK stands drawing in deep breaths, preparing himself, then he speaks. (cont'd) Action. On the monitor CHARLIE appears his eyes start to glow orange red. The red and white flashes of the strobe start. There is a slight movement on the back wall. It's CHARLIE, for the first time "in the flesh". CHUCK walks forward. (cont'd) Kill me, get it over with. At least then I'll have time to think. CHARLIE is in silhouette, his arms folded in front of him, his hands up his long, loose sleeves. CHARLIE That's a joke, right? CHUCK Yeah, quipping to the end. CHARLIE You sure about this? CHUCK If I'm not? CHARLIE Well, I'm as new to this as you are so don't quote me, but you were on the edge, now you've accessed me you're already dropping. CHUCK There are rules for this sort of thing? CHARLIE Sure, definitely rules, probably paperwork. CHUCK Is it going to hurt? CHARLIE How high's a Chinaman? CHUCK You should know. CHARLIE I'm just an offensive, paper thin cultural stereotype. And always will be. Flash over substance. (Beat) Doodler. CHUCK Hey I don't take kindly to criticism. CHARLIE picks up the iron from on top of the ironing board. He tests the heat of the metal base. CHARLIE approaches CHUCK. He pushes a button and steam escapes from the iron with a hiss. CHUCK and CHARLIE face each other. CHARLIE pulls the iron back then smacks it forward into CHUCK's skull. CHARLIE Ya take kindly to that? CHUCK Shit ! Stop. Stop. I think I've had a change of heart. CHARLIE What heart? CHUCK tries to run, he stumbles. CHARLIE hits CHUCK again with the iron. CHUCK doubles over onto his knees. CHARLIE holds the iron up next to CHUCK's head. CHARLIE pushes a button, there is a rush of steam. (cont'd) You hear that Chuck ? You told me that was the sound of the soul escaping the body. Now I'm gonna tell you something. Gonna tell you about the difference between 2D... CHARLIE hits CHUCK on the head with the iron. As with all CHARLIE's violence, it is beautifully and gracefully done, combining cartoonery, Kung Fu and Tai Chi. CHUCK falls to his knees. CHUCK Argh. CHARLIE ...and 3D. Coming at ya. CHARLIE bowls a round arm swing into CHUCK's face. CHUCK rocks over backward with the impact. (cont'd) What's this ? Blood ? You the type that bleeds Chucky ? Better clean you up a little. Steam facial. CHARLIE rapidly pummels the iron up and down on CHUCK's face, like a shoe shine. There is a hiss of steam. (cont'd) That better? CHUCK Shit. CHARLIE Now some people say the difference between 2D and 3D, Chuck,is an understanding of suffering. Duck Chuck... CHARLIE hits CHUCK again. CHUCK is really scared. CHUCK Argh. Shit. Stop... CHARLIE ...too late. You wanna understand suffering, I really don't think you'll like it, but we can try. 2D plus pain... CHARLIE hits CHUCK again (cont'd) ...equals 3D Chuck... CHARLIE hits CHUCK again. (cont'd) ...leaps off the screen doesn't it... ya hurting Chuck ? ...Good... Pain Chuck and you got a lifetime of catching up to do. Ah, here's the elevator. CHARLIE has hold of CHUCK by an ear, he drags him into the elevator. CHARLIE presses a button. There is a ping. The elevator starts. (cont'd) Just one question. Evolve or die? CHUCK Evolve. The elevator stops. The door slides open. CHUCK steps out. His feet immediately burn on hot coals. He hops, trying to blow his feet. He leaps back into the elevator. CHARLIE Wrong. CHARLIE pushes a button. The door slides shut. The elevator rises again. (cont'd) Evolve or die? CHUCK Evolve. The elevator stops. Ping. The door slides open, more gingerly CHUCK peeks out of the door, then steps out. He dodges and weaves as fast moving cars race at him. There is the shriek of a whistle and CHUCK just ducks back into the lift as a high speed train and carriages flash past. Panting and panicked, CHUCK dives back into the lift. The door slides shut. CHARLIE Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Don't get me steamed up. Evolve or die? CHUCK Evolve? Please... CHARLIE Nice try. Too late. Let's help you with an analogy. You going up or you going down? CHUCK (hesitant, gulp) Up? CHARLIE Going up. CHARLIE pushes a button. The lift rises. From the exterior of the lift we can see that it is positioned like a film frame moving up an extended roll of film going off up and down to dark infinities. (cont'd) Top floor. Domestic appliances. The elevator stops. Ping. The door slides open. CHUCK looks at CHARLIE who is testing the heat of the base of the iron with a finger. CHUCK nudges ever so slowly out of the elevator. CHUCK cringes waiting for the next horror. But it is serene. Peaceful. His faces registers this fact. (cont'd) I'm gonna put this away. (pause. smile) You wanna draw a final breath? CHUCK's face changes to concern. CHUCK moves his feet. He searches with his toes for solid ground. His face registers panic. He looks down. In true cartoon style he is standing on thin air. (cont'd) Ooops. Going Down. CHUCK's plummets downwards. Now it's as though his "life flashes before him"... on the drop CHUCK grabs and flails at the air. CHUCK smashes onto the mattress of a bed as CHUCK is sitting upright his legs in stirrups, his lower body covered in a sheet as he starts to give birth. In this scenario CHUCK plays all the roles. CHUCK is the mum, CHUCK is the dad holding his [own] hand by the bed and CHUCK is also the doctor helping the birth. And one by one out come the creations... A small, young version of CHARLIE the coolie is born into the light accompanied by a rush of steam. CHUCK the doctor smacks young CHARLIE to get him to breathe. Young CHARLIE punches CHUCK the doctor square in the face. Doctor CHUCK quickly hands the baby CHARLIE, now swaddled with a black towel to mum CHUCK who receives him gingerly. Next is the young CACTUS GAL. Although small she is still prickly and CHUCK the mum squeals as the cactus characters emerges, while CHUCK the dad squeezes a hand and coos encouragingly. The CACTUS GAL in a green towel is handed to mum CHUCK. Next comes a tiny TOOTHLESS accompanied by a sea wash carrying other fish and underwater plant life. Doctor CHUCK pulls at the "head stubs" on tiny TOOTHLESS and they ping into a recognisable "hammer" shape. Baby TOOTHLESS in a grey satin towel is handed to mum CHUCK. Finally it's baby FLUFF's turn. Looking most like a human baby FLUFF is pink and accompanied by a small flow of candyfloss and juice. Doctor CHUCK hands a pink towel to mum CHUCK. Where's the baby? On the towel big eyes open and mum CHUCK squeezes them smaller, then squashes the towel into a ball. It springs open to reveal the true baby FLUFF. Proud mum CHUCK now holds all the "baby creations" in "her" arms. Dad CHUCK stands by "her" side as if to pose for a family photo. Flashbulb... Out of the flash of light a dark stranger approaches the "birth room"...it is the octogenerian from 'Old Rage'...fleetingly with CHUCK's face... then old again, tilt to find a machine gun in his hand. It fires. Flames spits from the muzzle... A scream and rushing noises as CHUCK falls into darkness again... Miraculously CHUCK manages to catch hold of the bottom of a floating wardrobe. He pulls himself up into it. He stands with his back flat against the back of the wardrobe, the drop still in front of him. He looks left and right: smart suits on hangers. The suits "come alive" and cover CHUCK with dollar bills until he is a sort of "leaf man" - then one of the suits pokes out CHUCKS eyes and replaces the eyeballs with "green lights". CHUCK, the blindman, feels his way around, almost falling back into the abyss. Then the suits turn on CHUCK and smother him until he falls backwards into the abyss once more... CHUCK is again falling and heading towards a giant inverted Chinese coolie hat... CHUCK falls into the Chinese coolie's hat. Like a man in a volcano, CHUCK slides down the inside of the hat towards a hole in the inverted, pointed base. CHUCK is then wedged headfirst through the hole looking down onto a vast iron. The iron has steam, like geysers, gushing up from it's holes and it's metal plates glows red with a scalding heat. Just then a waterfall of smoking, acid pours into the coolie hat and fills up behind CHUCK's wedged body. The acid starts burning CHUCK's clothes and they disintegrate he slips forward and begins to fall out of the hole. CHUCK tries to grab the edges of the hole, anything to stop him falling onto the iron, but the acid burns CHUCK's clothes, skin, hands and he falls through the hole, accelerating towards the iron. We hear the disappearing sound of CHUCK's scream and the sort of cartoon rush of wind that accompanies Wiley Coyote's plummet to the canyon floor. Accompanying CHUCK on his descent is CHARLIE in the elevator. CHARLIE is like a floor manager ushering in a take, CHARLIE counts him down with his fingers. (cont'd) Five. Four. Three. (whispers)Ground Floor. A huge rush of steam. (cont'd) Chuck's ultimate creation. His life's work... Homo Ridiculous, Homo Patheticus, Homo Trivialus... ah, who am I kidding? There ain't no fancy name for it. He's just 'The Doodler'. BLACKOUT. ON TV: The TV monitor switches on. On the monitor the CTN anchor appears in front of the picture of CHUCK with his oscar and the caption; 'Doodler Dies'. TV ANCHOR ...and he's in the news again. In what must one of the week's most bizarre suicides, the reclusive animator Masters attempted to iron his own head before plunging fifty metres to his death ...only in LaLaLand, and now this... The monitor picture fizzles out to black. INT. CHUCK'S L.A. HOME. NIGHT. CHARLIE turns the drawing board so that we can see he has drawn the outline of a figure - like the chalk lines drawn around a homicide victim's body. CHARLIE switches off the desk light. CHARLIE returns through the frame on the backwall. Once in place and still, he folds his arms and bows his head. The orange light on the iron begins to dim. CHARLIE First rule of life, pal, 'everybody dies'. You gotta believe me when I say it only gives me a slight, great pleasure to tell you this. There is the appalling sound of weighty metal on flesh and bone, followed immediately by a brief cry which is soon lost in the sound of film frames running through a film gate, a manic laugh and a gigantic hiss of steam. FADE TO BLACK.